I love growing and changing and seeing how far I’ve come spiritually. My relationship with myself is blossoming like it never has before. I feel really good about becoming who I’ve always wanted to be.
But I’m simultaneously paralyzed by this growth. I still feel such a deep void in my body. It hurts not understanding why.
Growing means you are shedding the old ways. The old habits. The old you.
It’s essentially like grieving. This part of me has been through so much shit, we’ve grown together. But I’m beginning to outgrow those layers. They don’t feel comfortable anymore.
Yet something so powerful and strong won’t let go. Is this how butterflies feel?
On my journey inward, I’ve been learning ways with which I can support myself. I know this loneliness is only temporary, but that doesn’t take away any of the pain. Knowing I have “all the love inside me” doesn’t just make the void go away. Being on your own is really tough. I know it’s possible, but dang, that’s a lot of love.
I understand that emotions are like powerful waves, splashing your face with water even though you didn’t plan on getting wet. The tide eventually goes back and you dry off while waiting for the next one to come. Just ride it out and you’ll be fine.
Lies we tell ourselves.
I trust that I’m on my path. My life is a blessing. I totally get that. I appreciate that.
I’m still trekking on this journey because I am still trying to learn how to communicate with myself in order to make sure our goals are aligned. My unconscious self still loves to rule. What a weird phenomenon — working against yourself.
It’s always worked to produce results in the past, so why change it?
I know changing it is what will be best for me. I need to chase my dreams with full force. I can’t do that if we are still dwelling on the past.
It’s hard convincing such a stubborn girl to move forward.
I know I need to be patient with myself. Always. I’ve always been stubborn. I’ll come when I want.
And then your Discover Weekly sends you the message you’ve been waiting on.
I heard Ambar Lucid’s beautiful voice and had to click over to Spotify to see. Her song “A letter to my younger self” had just begun playing and hit the nail right on the head, just as I was reflecting on what I just wrote.
She reflects on her past selves, too. Recognizing that they are in pain, but reminding them “all of this is not gonna last”. If only our old selves knew what we know now.
How crazy is this life?
“I know times are hard right now, but I promise you’ll be alright”
I know it will take time to heal. To grieve my loss. I will stay hopeful in the meantime. I am losing what was once a huge part of me. But now, as I’m moving forward, I must learn to let go of these things that don’t serve me.
I’ve never been good at getting rid of old clothes, so you can imagine how challenging getting rid of a whole self will be.