Finding Wholeness in Relationships Without Sacrificing Your All

Some might think the search for wholeness includes finding someone who is your ideal match, someone who can complement you in every aspect of life. I tend to agree, because I think there are certain traits in each party of a relationship that bring challenges and personal growth opportunities that one could not find on his own. However, I think that one must take extra caution when willing to devote his entire being to another. Maybe it’s the popular opinion to become submissive in a relationship, but I still am not sure how I feel about this. Especially in early stages. It could be completely different for marriage and long term, who knows because I don’t. I just still feel there is a sense of individuality that must be preserved in order to live our own lives and find our true happiness.

Independent : free from outside control; not depending on another’s authority; not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence

Losing yourself is scary. In the midst of someone you love and care about, that’s even scarier. You would never assume that someone so cool could bring out the worst in you, but if we get lazy, then things go sour and we forget to be accountable. It’s our fault things got so bad, we forgot to respect our boundaries and communicate our needs. Perhaps it’s because we all perpetuate the notion that your 50% goes with someone else’s half to contribute, dumping half the responsibility on them for your happiness. In case you haven’t noticed already, that’s not exactly how things work, and this is how we grow depressed and unsatisfied with both our relationship and our life. If you take anything from this blog post, just remember that only you can create your happiness. Don’t rely on someone else for that; they are working just as hard to create their own. When you keep this simple idea in mind, your perspective has changed towards yourself and your relationship, understanding what it truly takes to face real challenges, not just arguments stemming from insecurities.

Relying on someone else period is draining. For you, but most importantly, for them! Have you ever considered how hard it is to keep things up to someone else’s standard? In relationships, it gets especially difficult! So much energy is wasted trying to make someone else happy, when you are losing yourself and your sanity in the process! It’s important we learn how to regulate our own emotions before we ask someone else to do it for us. If not, we lose our ability to make independent decisions and essentially, we are handing all control to someone else. Maybe that’s how some people like things, but for me, it just doesn’t add up. Being personally accountable of our actions and emotions helps us to take the burden off our partner, and they will be able to devote their energy towards more positive aspects of the relationship.

It’s a win-win, and you’d think people would get that. But I see so many people let their insecurities drive their relationship, feeding off each other’s, turning everything into a crazy mess with everyone crying and throwing things. And I’m not guilt-free of this either. It takes a crazy to know a crazy. I’ve just come to terms with my place and part in a relationship, and I have learned to accept my responsibility and duty to be an individual who can respect both myself and my SO. Yes, this means facing your deepest darkest fears, admitting your flaws, and embracing and celebrating these faults in conjunction with the kickass person you are.

Individuality : the quality or character of a particular person or thing that distinguishes them from others of the same kind, especially when strongly marked

So you’ve done all this and you’re still feeling like your independence is being threatened? Well, that probably means you have some reevaluating to do. A lot of issues in relationships stem from feelings of inadequacy, lack of wholeness, etc, so confronting and resolving these issues take caution and time. Remember nothing is wrong with your SO, but that they may have some issues floating around in their unconscious or even are just super sensitive about. You can’t force individual security on anyone else, unless you’re a really awesome therapist, and even then I don’t know that it’s possible. You just have to maintain your self-respect and keep your head up. It’s okay to leave the relationship if you feel like you aren’t being respected, and you are the only one that can really do anything about your situation.

If we are with the right person, then they will love you all the same and understand your need for autonomy. On the other hand, if we let our insecurities control our destiny, then we will end up even lonelier than before and in an unhealthy relationship. And when we are lonely, that is always a good time to get in touch with ourselves and inner needs and desires, whether that is to feel loved or to be respected or to gain 15 pounds, whatever. Our desires and needs are valid and you should never let anyone tell you otherwise, especially your loved ones. 

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